little lightbulb

i had this weird realization just right now.

when i was a kid we would get catalogs in the mail. i would go through them, page by page, and write down all the things i wanted. i would write down the prices, and add them up, and think of all the different ways i could save up the money to get all the things i wanted.

i realized, today, that i still do that very same thing. only instead of making lists of random things in catalogs, i shop for things like pets, houses, and cars...and men if i'm honest. craigslist is a legitimate addiction. its like quitting smoking. you may have a good run here or there, a year or two under your belt. but just let the right conditions present themselves. you'll be reading those ads sayin' to yourself "what the hell am i doing?"

intellectually it shouldn't be so shocking to me to think that something i did as a child is something i still do now. i mean, people are like that. duh. but to suddenly realize that my lists went from stuffed animals, clothes and cds to cars. there's no way in hell i can afford a car. i remember going with my mom one time to a furniture store that she loved. she told me she'd never be able to afford anything from there but that she liked to come and look. at the time i thought how depressing. let me go walk around a bunch of stuff i love but can't have. but now i understand.

i know millions of other people do it too.

not friday yet

so i'm single once again. yeah, i tried to think positively but all the positive thinking in the world can't make that man get his head out of his ass.

on to bigger and better things...and men

now i just dream about my bus boyfriend alot. hey, whatever gets you through the day right??

works has calmed down considerably. i guess life didn't like the taste of me while it was swallowing me whole. it spit me back out again. so here i am. at the moment i have nothing to do at the job and i always get a little uncomfortable when that happens. i keep thinking i must have forgotten something. or like, any second now i'm going to get a slew of emails about all the balls i've dropped. but so far as i can tell its all good.

the new love of my life is my bike. i bought a used beach cruiser off craigslist for $50 and its the bomb!! its damn near brand new, and its been suggested more than once that it was stolen. ...nahhhhh!! i'll have to put a pic up here when i get one. its blue and white with the big fat white-walled tires. no gears, back-breaks. big fat seat which isn't nearly big enough for my big fat butt. and i just got my bell for it today. theres a basket coming and lights and a lock and a helmet cause even though those things are the most ugliest things in all of creation i would hate to end up with brain damage because i'm too cool for a helmet. so lets all keep our fingers permanently crossed that the minute i get all my new stuff attached to it someone doesn't promptly steal it. Shut up, Jumps to Bad Conclusions!! Go pick some berries, or skin a deer or something! (if your unfortunate enough to be reading this and have no idea what the fuck i'm talking about go back and torture yourself some more with my other postings and then you'll understand) but ya know, i forgot how fun it is to ride a bike. i sing uncontrollably when i'm on it, walkman or not. walkman?? i haven't used a walkman in years! anyway, takes me about 40 minutes to ride the 5 miles home...i don't know if that makes me really slow or what but remember...no gears. so people fly by me when i'm going up hill and they fly by me when i'm going down hill. i cruise. so yeah, i feel a little like PeeWee Herman in his first movie. i love that thing. if i can find them in the right colors i'm going to get streamers for the handle bars too.

other than that i go out on the weekends with my alcoholic friends and lead the pack in bad behavior. nah, not really. but i have been over indulging lately. i guess that's to be expected. i'm so fucking predictable...drenching my broken heart in booze. and as much as i'm dieing to get laid i'm too chicken shit to actually pursue that goal. oh and i guess another good thing that still going on are my visits to my old friend Jenny Craig. i've lost close to 35lbs so far. not that its noticeable. when you've got somewhere in the vicinity of a hundred pounds to loose no ones notices until you've lost at least 50 and all your clothes are completely hanging off you. i speak from experience. and then they all think they're cute and start calling you things like "skinny" and say "don't disappear on us" whatever. i'm supposed to be all nice about it because the whole world thinks the most impressive thing any human can possibly do is lose weight since being fat is the sin of all sins. but really, they just don't want to pay for my extra health care. oh, i'm sorry, i'm going off again. just another angry fat chick. it dawned on me today that even after i had lost somewhere around 80lbs (a few years back) i was still fat by all meanings of the word. its crazy. but back to the positive...i'm eating three squares a day and riding my bike all over the place and i feel good. and that's what its all about right.

i've even started entertaining the idea of singing again. but what would i sing? i don't want to sing the songs i wrote like 15 years ago. guess i'll have to work on that catalog while i muster up some guts from somewhere.

alright...i got three more hours to kill. think i'll make it???

...and i think its gonna rain today...

i think tonightis going to be the end of my longest, bestest relationship. i'm at work and i'm sad and distracted. if i can make it through the next half hour i won't have to come in early tomorrow...which is good because i haven't been sleeping. i've never had this problem before...where i had to walk away from probably the only man i've ever trusted because i'm not making his list of priorities. and there isn't much room for working it out or talking it over when your told "don't question me"...what the hell are you supposed to do with that? i keep thinking of this old ben harper song where he says...

and its so hard to do
and so easy to say
but sometimes, sometimes
you have to walk away

ain't that the truth! i feel like i'm slowly being swallowed alive by my life these days...the job, the bf...i need a pause button. who knows , maybe he'll suprise me and suddenly start to appreciate what he has and give me the time and attention i deserve...but my alter-ego is winning out on this one. i've always said if i was native american my name would be Jumps to Bad Conclusions. she's all kinds of incharge today.

heres to me not giving my bf enough credit and him suprising me and choosing me and all that shit. and heres to another sleepless night.

me & elliott

here i am with elliot, the opossum...or possum as we call 'em back east. elliott sustained injuries that make it impossible for him to be released back in the wild. one of my friends is a volunteer at an animal shelter where the rehabilitate animals like elliott, and she was given the ok to socialize him because he's going to be an education animal. it was really cool to get to hold a wild animal. :) oh, and don't miss my stellar hairdo!!

happy new year

the holidays are over already. shocking. even though i'm positive about the year ahead i don't know what i'm ready for. and i had a pretty great year, so i feel an odd sense of pressure to have another great year. maybe even better than the last one. which is stupid. but it wouldn't be beyond what i think i deserve because the rest of the 2000s have been fraught with difficulty and pain so i think its about fucking time to have a few really good years. with that in mind i've started working on my new top 10 list. its this thing me and my two gf's do...well, really what we do is get together every other week and work on stuff that we normally don't make time for. we call our meetings "Super stars" and out of that i read a self help book that walks you through steps to create a top 10 "to do" list for the year. i was never a person who set goals. never. but the past two years i've done the little steps in the book to make a top 10 list and all of a sudden i'm getting shit done like no ones business. and its not just thing that i have to do. its what ever i think i need to make a priority or whatever i think is imortant enought to put down on paper and see every day to remind me. like one of the things i put on last years list was "be more sompassionate with family, friends, and myself" thats not a very tangible thing to put on a to do list, but i'll be damned if the general consensus is that i'm easier to talk to and more forgiving and shit like that. so now i'm like totally into the whole having goals thing cause i realized that i'm always at my most content when i feel like i have a plan of action and that i'm doing it. it may sound painfully obvious to some but its a new revelation to me. and the part of the whole process that i like the most is designing my list. i usually make some sort of theme, and get pictures and stuff...i get to play with photoshop...and then i put it up in my bathroom and throughout the year i put stickers on it and cross things off that i've done, or change things on it that i don't want to do anymore or that aren't applicable anymore. by the end of the year i have a miniscrapbook of sorts. so thats what i've been doing with most of my free time. maybe i'll post it on here if i'm not too chickenshit when its done. we shall see. in the meantime i hope the best for everyone this year and for all the years to come. :)