its been 3 years and 3 months

i forgot i had this blog. i mean, completely forgot. i don't have much of anything to say...i'm trying to decide if i should keep this one, or abandon it and keep going with the new one i started. though the new one was supposed to be fun and witty and all it's turned out to be is my own personal pitty party. ya see, my life, like the rest of the country, has gone down the toilet. no really it has. i was reading my last few entries here and one of the things i said was that i thought i would have more to show for myself by this age than being able to pay my bills...well, i can't do that anymore. two years ago i lost my job with the other 15 million people. being that i'm middle aged, and have no college under my belt, and that there's millions of other people unemployed who do have college, etc...long story short, i haven't been able to find a new job. anywhere. let's do a little list of all the things that i used to take for granted that i don't have anymore....

1- a job

2- my own place (i'm now living with my parents again...we'll get back to that)

3- self respect

4- friends (all mine are out west. and i'm not anymore)

5- a relationship with a man...no, actually, i never took that one for granted. but the one that i had left with the job...he waited a whole month before he informed me that we "didn't fit". blech. truth is i'm glad i'm rid of him, but he took some things with him that belonged to me...like my self esteem, my trust in people, my belief that love is real and that someday it will find me. i am the definition of cynical now. i can't spell it but i am it.

so, without "going there" tooooo much more that's my life now. no job, no place, living with my folks on the east coast at 40...oh, and my mom is now bed ridden and i'm helping take care of her...something that i'm glad to do, but its very hard to watch your mom fade slowly away. very hard. it may end up being the only thing in life that i'll be proud i've done but right now there are days it crushes me.

and in the middle of all this madness i'm trying to have an imaginary relationship with a guy i met three years ago and dismissed. he apparently never dismissed me and we've "reconnected"...ya know, now that i'm 3000 miles away we've reconnected. cause that's my life now. what ever shitty that can happen will happen. i'm pissed at this said person right now because i haven't heard from him for a week now, and it was two weeks before that last time i talked to him, and i sent him a scathing email last night, and i was expecting a call or at least a response but i got nothing. i told myself a million times that i wasn't going to get ahead of myself with this one because for one thing he's not here, and for another, a broken heart just might land me a stint at the funny farm right now. but ahead of myself or not, it still pisses me off to be ignored, for whatever reason. it's just a symptom of what's to come. more disappointment.

so anyway, i'm gonna wrap this up cause it's just more blah blah blah blah about how shitty everything is. i'll most likely delete this blog if i can figure out a way to save the old entries. cause they are proof that i used to have a life before my world fell apart. and there are many times every day when i need reminding of that.

It's like finding someone's diary...and reading it

in a search to find a picture which makes me think of spring (a field of crocus) i stumbled upon this guy's blog. this was on the page i clicked on...
Never Cross A Queen

A British Airway’s passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers: “Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super.”

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic-looking woman hadn’t moved a muscle. “Perhaps you didn’t hear me over those big brute engines” he said, “I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.”

She calmly turned her head and said, “In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one.”

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, “Well sweet-cheeks, in my country I’m called a Queen, so I out-rank you. Tray-up bitch.”

i think that's brilliant so i added his blog to my little tiny list of blogs on my blog. blog blog blog.

gloves like michael jackson

i have a few minutes before i get to leave work so i thought i'd blog a little...

i'm trying out a new way to try to get myself to stop biting/picking my cuticles. i bought myself some little white cotton gloves. i think the technical term is "inspection gloves" but basically i'm just going to keep them on all the time until i stop tearing my fingers apart. so today is my first day. we'll see how it goes.

in other news i haven't talked to my x since the awful vday we had. k-serah-serah.

my bday is on saturday. i'm planning on playing pool with my gang o' friends and then going out dancing. and i'm also planning on getting nice and fucked up. not so much so that i can't walk my own ass to my own front door, but veeeerrryyyy close. should be fun. but, and i just have to say it here because i'm younger than 3 of my crew members...i feel old! and this bday i'm feeling particularly like a failure. i don't know why i should feel so more now than any other day but i do. i thought for sure i'd have something to be proud of by this age other than the fact that i manage to pay my bills every month. all sarcasm aside i guess this is why they push you so hard when your a kid...cause you don't want to feel that same lost feeling when your approaching 40 that you had when you were 18. but maybe it's all just a big fat lie that we ever feel anything else.

well, its 2 minutes to 5. i'm out.

happy fucking valentine's day

i hate valentine's day. if you don't have "someone special" you feel like a big pile of shit looser. and if you do have someone to hang with it's this loaded gun of a day where you think this person is going to do everything to make you feel special. but they don't. or maybe they try to but it's not what you were expecting. or maybe they show up 1.5 hours late and think theres nothing wrong with that. or maybe the card doesn't have the word "love" in it. or maybe the flowers aren't fresh. or maybe the sex isn't great. maybe its just like every other day.

i made a plan that i was going to give myself a home-spa night.

and then i sent myself flowers on behalf of the x, who i'm still messing with for whatever reason, because i knew he would wait until the last minute and i'd end up with nothing or half dead whatevers from the drug store thats en route to my house. he actually liked the idea. schmuck. then i asked if he would come over so we could hang out. i haven't seen him in probably a month. he said ok.

the day before (wednesday) he tells me he's made plans with some friend of his to help him move shit from his old place to his new place after spending time with me. even though that pisses me off i figure its fine cause it gives me time to pamper myself...which was the original plan.

so yesterday i got the roses i sent to myself and they were a little beat up but still nice. then everyone in my office kept commenting on how lovely they were and how nice to have someone think of me and blah blah blah. they quickly changed their tunes when i told them i was the one who ordered them. then i left work early because we were supposed to meet at my house at 5. well, 5 came and went and he didn't come until 6:30. with a card that had "irene" written on it. that is not my name. apparently its his "nickname" for me. even though he never told me that or even called me that. he even has that in his cell phone for my number. so you try explaining to an african that "irene" is a womans name and that its not appropriate to put another womans name on a valentines card. and its not okay to show up an hour and a half late on vday. and it doesn't matter whether or not we're a couple...you're supposed to respect peoples time!

but i digress...

the night was a bust. i drank a whole bottle of wine and he drank the champagne. by the end of both our bottles we were civil to each other. how romantic.

the boys...

'nuff said.

this is where i live

took this really cool pic with my phone. this is around the way from where i live.

Happy New Year!

so, i wrote this last week sometime at work and had to quit cause my mgr started talking to me. whatever, here ya go...


one of my many goals for the new year is to blog at least once a month. i already blew january. but today most of my department is out of the office and it's exceptionally boring so here i am! i haven't written in eons...don't even know what to say or where to begin. but really, who reads this junk anyway. so i'll start with right now.

i bought a new ipod last night. can't afford it and don't care. its the bomb. i'll end up having to buy a new hard drive if i think i'm actually going to fill it up...i could scan every single cd i own and still it would only be half full...but i won't be crossing that bridge for quite some time. love having new toys...

and then there are my babies...Jack & Jojo. they're of the cat variety. i love them to pieces! i haven't had a pet since i moved away close to 15 years ago. i thought i could never live with the allergy attacks, and even though it does suck having to down claritin like i should buy stock in the company, i love these damn cats. i fell in love with Jojo when he was just a little baby because he has extra toes on all his feet. i just had to have him. and then i baby sat him and his brother one weekend and that was it. they make having nothing to do ok because they supply me with literally endless hours of entertainment. and they make me feel better about the fact that i don't go out as often as i normally would because...

i recently was told i have arthritis in my knees. i'm (going to be)37 for fucks sake. why doesn't anyone tell you that you can get old people problems when your not old. so yeah, the rumors are true. arthritis does indeed suck the big ones. going out dancing has become like a national holiday to me because i pay for it dearly for days after. i have no idea what lies ahead for me with this crap...i'm only guaranteed that it will get progressively worse. blah blah blah...just makes drugs and alcohol that much more important to all extra-curricular activities.

i've also talked myself into thinking the idea of finally going to college is a good one. now i just have to go buy the guts from kmart to go register. and every time i think about math...let's just not go there. but the truth is i have always been a little retarded over all things oceanic. so it suddenly dawned on my while watching shark week last year that hey, if i'm not going to pursue my original dream (the one i decided for myself when i was 10) then i need to pursue another one. and i haven't been doing that. my only other dream has always been to be a marine biologist. but i always talked myself out of ever trying to do it because i thought i couldn't get through the math and science. i never knew that marine biology is a masters program...like that even matters...i've never set foot on a college campus (except to visit friends) so this whole idea gives my poor head an ache something awful. my most recent "process goals" are actually going to have to be for the next semester since i missed registration for this one. first up, enroll. 'nuff said. second, take the assessment test...this is the thing that terrifies me because i so totally suck at math i won't even be able to finish the test let alone "place" anywhere on any level. and then they say after you've done all that you can talk to a councelor. but i think i'm going to do that before all the other stuff. once they know your thinking about it then they'll bug you until you either move or enroll. right??

oh, and the other totally rad thing i'm doing this year is finally getting a new tattoo. i've had this tattoo in mind for myself for over a year and just decided that i was getting it, regardless of how much it was going to cost. and somehow magically it looks like i'm actually going to have the money for it.