its been 3 years and 3 months

i forgot i had this blog. i mean, completely forgot. i don't have much of anything to say...i'm trying to decide if i should keep this one, or abandon it and keep going with the new one i started. though the new one was supposed to be fun and witty and all it's turned out to be is my own personal pitty party. ya see, my life, like the rest of the country, has gone down the toilet. no really it has. i was reading my last few entries here and one of the things i said was that i thought i would have more to show for myself by this age than being able to pay my bills...well, i can't do that anymore. two years ago i lost my job with the other 15 million people. being that i'm middle aged, and have no college under my belt, and that there's millions of other people unemployed who do have college, etc...long story short, i haven't been able to find a new job. anywhere. let's do a little list of all the things that i used to take for granted that i don't have anymore....

1- a job

2- my own place (i'm now living with my parents again...we'll get back to that)

3- self respect

4- friends (all mine are out west. and i'm not anymore)

5- a relationship with a man...no, actually, i never took that one for granted. but the one that i had left with the job...he waited a whole month before he informed me that we "didn't fit". blech. truth is i'm glad i'm rid of him, but he took some things with him that belonged to me...like my self esteem, my trust in people, my belief that love is real and that someday it will find me. i am the definition of cynical now. i can't spell it but i am it.

so, without "going there" tooooo much more that's my life now. no job, no place, living with my folks on the east coast at 40...oh, and my mom is now bed ridden and i'm helping take care of her...something that i'm glad to do, but its very hard to watch your mom fade slowly away. very hard. it may end up being the only thing in life that i'll be proud i've done but right now there are days it crushes me.

and in the middle of all this madness i'm trying to have an imaginary relationship with a guy i met three years ago and dismissed. he apparently never dismissed me and we've "reconnected"...ya know, now that i'm 3000 miles away we've reconnected. cause that's my life now. what ever shitty that can happen will happen. i'm pissed at this said person right now because i haven't heard from him for a week now, and it was two weeks before that last time i talked to him, and i sent him a scathing email last night, and i was expecting a call or at least a response but i got nothing. i told myself a million times that i wasn't going to get ahead of myself with this one because for one thing he's not here, and for another, a broken heart just might land me a stint at the funny farm right now. but ahead of myself or not, it still pisses me off to be ignored, for whatever reason. it's just a symptom of what's to come. more disappointment.

so anyway, i'm gonna wrap this up cause it's just more blah blah blah blah about how shitty everything is. i'll most likely delete this blog if i can figure out a way to save the old entries. cause they are proof that i used to have a life before my world fell apart. and there are many times every day when i need reminding of that.